Things have been going relatively well here, in the house of April. HOWEVER…. just as we thought we had her under control, we discovered a troubling trend.
We had an agreement with April not to bring anymore (girl) dolls into the house, with few exceptions (like Christmas or her birthday). And while we haven’t seen any more doll size boxes arrive at the doorstep, we noticed our population was still growing. The new models have been smuggled in…….in pieces! Quel horreur!
Okay, so I know….the term “frankendolly” is now politically uncorrect. So I won’t use it. After all, SOME of us have had a little work done (translation: body jobs). I won’t name names. You know who you are, Gail, Anna, Veronique, Samantha, Monica, Waris, Akure, Billie, Coco, Iman, Jerry, Katoucha, Kirat, Miyotte, and Radiah. For the record, I’m not including Christie who had a real accident and needed a surgical procedure. Miyotte, the dollar store dolly with the uni-boob, was an utter mess and conseqently very happy with her hand-me-down-Model Muse body. But over the past year, there have been many others who’ve sneaked past our sensors, arriving….shall we say…..head first!
This all started last year when Angelina arrived. We never saw the box come in and frankly, never really thought where she came from. Next there was Stefani. We didn’t notice her appearance until the Golden Globes red carpet where she was upstaging Lady Gaga.
We were too amused to ask questions. We did notice Marcus because he was so funny looking as a demi-Ken doll. (We didn’t realize how hot he was until April got him a proper FR Homme body.) Then there was Sybille. A few of us who saw her bodyless head arrive were shocked but were too afraid to say anything. What is the world coming to that we can be bought and sold in pieces!
By New Year’s, we had all caught on with the arrival of Meagan and Natasha. We wondered when this would all come to an end. In spite of our ban on new dolls, we were actually happy with the arrival of Veronica. She is so beautiful and well….normal. Finally, April had come to her senses and halted barbaric practices. But no!
Things were so much worse! We began inspecting small packages, one of which revealed….the head of some poor doll who was not only the victim of a body snatcher, but worse…lost every strand of her hair! We hated seeing April support something so horrific even though she claimed she was doing this for us. Learning how to reroot and repaint so the rest of us divas could benefit from new beauty trends. And while we understand the logic, we had no idea of what it all meant.
It pained us to watch this poor dolly get poked in the head repeatedly with a sawed-off needle. And then the needles broke. And then the hair was sliced in half. (April was doing this on the cheap. Horrors!!!) Finally, April gave up and pulled the few plugs of hair back out.
We all felt sooooo sorry for the dolly. Natasha, who was brought in as our official wig doll, donated one of her wigs. Nadja found her old body to offer up. We found an old gown to dress her in, and named her Morgan. But nothing could hide the humiliation she felt.
In the meantime, we spotted April bringing in more heads. This time without faces!!!! What??!!! Woman, did you not learn anything???
In the true spirit of Frankenstein…there was April painting a brand new face onto a doll who had….of all things…..lost her FACE! OMG!!! She painted, then wiped. Then painted some more. Then started all over again, for one more time. We had to admit…..she was beautiful. A true blond without heavy black eyeliner or deep brown shadow. She was absolutely lovely. And April did order this one (now known as Ingrid), a brand new body.
Soon after Ingrid…Donyale arrived. Or shall we say, her faceless head. We all watched the look of a brand new doll emerge. April gave her Gail’s old body which she was happy to get. In the meantime, April took another jab at Morgan and FINALLY…..was successful at giving her a full head of beautiful blond hair. (Morgan never shed a single tear, nor did she scream during this whole painful ordeal!) April wiped away her purple eye shadow and redid her lipstick into something softer. A new (happier) doll seemed to emerge!
And just as we were feeling a bit more comfortable about these procedures and certainly sympathetic to these new frankendollies….we realized….April had tricked us. Her “experiments” were another way of getting more girls into the house. And these girls were designed….in her own image! UNFAIR COMPETITION!!! Just as we were about to set up a serious protest movement….. April cut us off by sending out the Ken doll makeovers. Our eyes bulged. Our jaws hit the floor.
Oh my, oh my, oh my! April had worked her magic on the Ken dolls. The dorks are now…..delicious!!! Amazing what a little makeup can do. Why, the possibilities are limitless. Hey April…..Here’s an idea. How about made-to-order boyfriends for everybody????!!!!